Reading time: 12 minutes
The context of this week: My punishment by my foster mom (Susan) has continued over the past weeks. I was regularly receiving suppositories and I had to act like a little girl. Susan gave me a teddy bear to play with, a pink pyjama to sleep in and a pink blankie to carry. To my horror, she has also forced me last Sunday to wear training pants (padded briefs) and mess in it instead of using the toilet.
Monday with embarrassment in school
Monday kicked off the worst possible way. Susan showed up with new training pants – which were basically diapers for older children – and ordered me to put it on. I pushed myself away on the bad, but she grabbed my leg and pulled me closer to her. When she threatened me with a spanking, I obliged and put on the training pants. They were crinkly and annoyingly big. I hated every inch of them. When she finished, I got some trousers on me along a grey t-shirt – the very last few pieces of clothing that were not super girly.
‘Darling… do you remember Saturday? When you told me you pooped twice a week?’ Susan has inquired with an innocent look on her face. I found it hard to read what is behind her expression most of the time; malice and kindness could be both found there. I have nodded. I recalled Saturday very accurately.
‘You know I was thinking about it and… ‘ my foster-mom has continued ‘I don’t think I believe you. I don’t think you have done a doo-doo when you said you did. I am confident you have lied to me.’ I was astonished by her statement and started stuttering ‘but… but’ Susan placed her hand on my shoulder and continued instead of listening to me ‘I don’t like liars, so I don’t think you should go to the toilet anymore in school. That is it.’
I had no idea how to react to her claim. How am I supposed to prove that I was telling the truth? The past week have taken a toll on my confidence, so every time I heard Susan or the girls say something outrageous, I have just kept silent. Monday was never my favorite day, but this made it even worse.
This being said, I have lost my worries very quickly when I got to school. In my classes, with my “team”, I still felt somewhat relaxed and cheerful. I managed to tuck in the training pants so it wasn’t noticeable which helped me to hide my discomfort.
However, this little safe haven turned into a full-blown nightmare when I realized in the middle of class that I had to pee. I raised my hand and got the attention of my teacher, Mr. Roberts. I have moved my mouth silently pointing towards the door and Mr. Roberts just made a similarly silent nod. I stood up and walked towards the door when I heard the teacher’s voice again ‘What are you up to, Lydia?’
Lydia has also stood up and followed me. The disaster struck quickly when Lydia responded loudly so everyone can hear us: “Jo is sick. We have to go to the toilet together so that I can ensure that he has pooped or not.” As the words left her mouth, the whole class burst out laughing and I ran out. On the corridor, I found myself tearing up, while Lydia was closely following me. ‘Mom told me to tell everyone.’ She told me casually.
Unfortunately, this has changed the dynamics of my school. Suddenly, everyone was giving me funny looks and I kept catching people whispering and pointing at me, trying to hide their laughter. Probably, the first time in my life, I just wanted to disappear.
This has continued over the week. I learned quickly that I have to visit the toilet in the breaks and especially when Lydia is visiting it so that I can avoid the gawks from my classmates and my teachers.
Wednesday evening with the pacifier
On Wednesday evening, after the bath, we were putting on our pyjamas. I broke down crying in front of everyone. ‘Please… Susan…’ I realized this plead won’t lead anywhere since I have just called her on her name again, which she hates. I have also noticed that I have not got scolded at all, so I picked up courage and continued a few minutes later. ‘Please, can I not wear these diapers…? Please.’
‘Ah, baby.’ Susan comforted me with her hands on my arms running up and down. ‘I am afraid, you are not ready yet to change back to normal underwear. You have to keep wearing them a little bit more, okay?’ This did not work. Susan left the room for a second and to my shock, she reappeared holding a pacifier.
‘Look… Jo’ she consoled me with genuine-sounding kindness in her voice ‘The girls are a bit annoyed at your whining. I am going to put this pacifier in your mouth and don’t take it out for the rest of the evening okay?’ She shoved and held the pacifier in my mouth. My tears were slowly crawling down my face onto her hands. She did not seem to mind this at all. “Now, grab your blankie and get into bed.”
We all went to sleep, except that I could not sleep. I was terrified of letting the pacifier slip out. I knew Erica and Lydia were listening, so I kept sucking on the paci as hard as I could. I rubbed my face against my duvet. For some reason, the pressure between my body and the duvet felt comforting, so I turned against the wall and kept doing it. I found myself rubbing against the bed more and more vigorously, especially in my lower areas, it was feeling super good.
‘Moooom’ Lydia’s voice echoed in the silence. ‘Jo is making weird noises!’ I did not feel I did anything weird, so I kept doing my thing anyway. Only took a minute or so for the lights to come up and the familiar voice. ‘Jo, what are you doing?’ came blasting through the air, but at this point, I did not care. I was sucking on the pacifier so she could not punish me for anything. ‘You are rubbing against your duvet. This is inappropriate. Only naughty boys do such a thing. You are a good girl and not a naughty boy.’
‘Mom, why is Jo making noises? I want to sleep.’ Lydia complained.
‘Don’t worry darling. Jo is just restless a bit. She needs some help sleeping.’ she reassured her daughter while she reached around me with one of her arms. When she locked me in, I could not rub myself anymore against the wall and the bed. Her hand started gently rubbing my thighs which made me feel a bit more comfortable. I have barely noticed that her other hand found her way under my pjs. It came as a sudden realization that she wanted to push something inside my butt. I cried up and tried kicking, but could not move: her arm was firmly restricting me from going anywhere. The suppository was bigger then I was used to. I spit the pacifier out and screeched painfully.
Susan gently held my butt together while slowly unwrapping her other arm. She turned towards me and reached into the darkness near my face. ‘That is okay Jo, you stop doing the naughty now and sleep tight, okay?’ She whispered in my ear then placed the pacifier she found back into my mouth. She held the pacifier on my face, while still pushing on my buttocks. Barely a few seconds later, I felt exhausted. Later I learned that my rubbing in bed was referred to as “masturbation” and what she gave me was a Phenergan suppository which supposed to be against vomiting but it also helps to relax.
Saturday without teddy
That same Saturday I lost teddy. Or maybe I hid it. I can’t remember. I was really stressed all week. The training pants, the suppository, the embarrassment at school and the girly clothing was nerving me out. I think at one point I left teddy laying around the bed, just to visit the other room to find a book for school. When returned the bear was nowhere. Sudden dizziness caught me which was overwhelmed by my panic some seconds later.
‘What are you doing? Where is your toy?’ Susan’s barked at me from behind. I teared up and shook my head. I had no idea where teddy went. I raised my hand defensively when my foster mom stepped closer. She grabbed my neck and pushed me away. She swings her other hand and smacked my butt very hard. I screamed out loud. ‘I dunno… I dunno where it is… ah… mommy… please….’
I did not realize until later that I have called her “mommy” for the first time. That explained a lot of what happened afterwards. I was not smacked again. I was not smacked at all. I think I peed myself a little, but other than that I felt warmth and love from my foster mom – probably for the first time. Susan sat next to me, smiled and poked me with the elbow. ‘That is okay, darling. We will find it and if not, then I get you a new one, okay? I love you, darling.’ She kissed me on the forehead, then reached into her pocket. I found a tissue pressing against my face, drying my tears. Susan spent the next few minutes hugging and comforting me. I was not upset anymore.
Sunday with guests
On Sunday we hosted some people over for lunch. We had lunch before with the girls. When the guests – who were around Susan’s age – arrived we hid with the girls, not to face anyone. About two hours into the visit we heard Susan’s voice ‘Girls, come down here and say hi.’
We descended from our room; the girls were both wearing sporty clothing, looking like they are about to head out for a run, while I was still wearing my pink t-shirt and holding the pink blankie. Because of the guests, I was allowed to wear normal underwear today. It seemed that there were quite a few guests around, but most of them have probably left already, only about three of them were sitting around the lunch table.
‘Here are my kids.’ Susan has introduced us. I believe most of the visitors knew Erica and Lydia already, they have only given me some funny looks. ‘Yes, this is Jo.’ Susan briefly pointed at me. ‘Could you help me out and bring the plates to the kitchen.’
I have nodded and picked up the plates from the table, which were stacked on each other nicely. The girls picked up the forks and knives as well as the salad bowl. While I was hunting for the right place for the plates in the kitchen, I have overheard Susan’s discussion with her friends:
‘Yeah… so Jo has been through a lot…. developed some sort of anxiety. I am trying to help by limiting Jo’s responsibility. Jo needs to do very little here until things get better… Yes, the pink blankie is for comfort…’ when I was done dumping the plates, I walked out the kitchen and headed back to my room when Susan stopped me and had this weird “talking to me, but really talking to the guests” monologue.
‘You are feeling much better nowadays right Jo?’ she didn’t wait for me responding, instead launched into another story. ‘Jo has even asked me to be one of my daughters. Oh! It is so funny. Jo just really enjoys the same stuff as the girls do now! But you should have seen Jo a few weeks ago… at that time I have realized that Jo was having constipation more and more because of the stress. I had to use some suppositories to help. Yeah… but it worked! Now everything is much better, right Jo?’
The sudden embarrassment came over me after she has mentioned suppositories. One of the guests – later I have learned her name was Danielle – spoke up finally, interrupting her. ‘Say… I have noticed you keep avoiding to refer to Jo as a “he”. Why is that?’
‘Ah you know…’ Susan stalled for a second and let me go. I launched upstairs. but I still heard her full response” ‘Jo wants to be one of my girls. Why would I refer to Jo as a “he” then? I like it this and Jo likes it this way too.”
Another hour passed before Susan has appeared in our room. We were watching clips from “Bella and the Wonder Witches” – which I started liking just recently. Susan had a large smirk on her face. She knelt down next to us and watched one of the clips with us. Then she grabbed me and turned me to face her.
‘You did really well today, Jo. I am very proud of you.’ She was gently rubbing my arms. ‘You took the dirty dishes out and behaved properly. You are such a good girl!’ She tenderly shifted her hands down to my pants and slowly pulled it down with my underwear. ‘Now, I know you had underwear on today, but I’d like to put the padded briefs back on you for the evening, okay?’
She laid me down on the floor and whipped off my underwear of me super quickly. Suddenly, the dreaded training pants appeared in her hands. She was either super quick to grab these items or I was just not paying attention. She started pulling the big-boy-diapers on me, but before finishing, she picked me off the floor.
I was sitting in her lap now, her arms affectionately embracing me. Her eyes turned slightly more concerned and pragmatic. ‘Now, Lydia will give you a suppository before I put this on you. Lydia darling, could you grab the suppo from the desk?’
I tried pushing away, but Susan was again holding me too strong. ‘That is okay darling. You remember our agreement?’ I was tearing up again. Lydia inserted the suppository in my butt with blunt force. Weirdly this stopped me crying and I just started whining instead. Susan laughed up ‘Ah, you are like a puppy now!’ She pulled up the “big-boy diapers” on me and kept holding me close to her. Lydia quietly sat down next to her sister, but I saw her chuckling from the corner of my eye.
‘Now, go ahead and mess yourself anytime darling.’ she has advised me as she let me go. I walked back to the girls and sat next to them to continue watching Bella. The girls did give me some funny looks, but they did not say anything. The training pants actually felt pretty nice, well-fitted and cozy this time. I found releasing into it much easier.
Original post: https://lifewithsuppository.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/the-long-regression-week-3/
Next up: Week 4